Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter (2012)

Four score and seven years ago Abraham Lincoln apparently hunted vampires. Of course, this is all according to the minds of director Timur Bekmambetov and producer Tim Burton. The film was based on the real tragedies that President Lincoln experienced in his life with a vampire twist. The viewer is lead to believe that the facts of history have been passed down but details have been left out or forgotten over time. We follow Lincoln, played by Benjamin Walker, through his boyhood all the way up to his presidency and through the Civil War. We begin by understanding his feelings on slavery as a child, having to watch his mother die at the hands of a vampire, and then subsequently being trained how to kill vampires by his mentor Henry (played by Dominic Cooper). We get to watch as Lincoln grows from a boy hell bent on revenge to a man wanting to change the fate of all men especially when he discovers that vampires are trying to take over the nation while feeding on the slaves he wants to free. The premise behind this film is ludicrous to say the least but I was excited about the possibilities that these two could bring to the screen. It sounds fun and it was an interesting and fresh idea but the viewer quickly realizes that not only was the idea ludicrous but also the execution.

We begin with absolutely zero character stories built. You are hurled directly into the movie and the only back story you given is that of Abraham Lincoln. I guess this is really the only important one, but character after character is thrown into the mix with no description of who they are. This film lacks the character definition needed to build relationships between the viewers and the characters they are supposed to care about or despise. There was no attempt at making this feel like anything more than me sitting there watching a movie with bad acting distracted only by cheesy “Matrix” style fight scenes.

Next we move into the story line, or the lack there of. This film apparently got attacked in editing. Whole chunks of the story were missing and I was forced to make assumptions on relationships and events leading to the next scene. Hole after hole riddled the film confusing and poorly constructed. Of course, how do you follow Lincoln’s entire life and all of the Civil War in 105 minutes? You don’t, which made for a major problem in the story.

I would love to tell you that Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter supplied me with at least some comedic relief at its absurdity, but sadly I can’t. I spent the movie torn between boredom and insult that it went to theatres instead of straight to video. See it just to say you’ve seen it, but don’t expect anything but a ridiculous attempt at entertainment.

Scream Queen

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