Warning: The Louisville Zombie Attack 2013 is Imminent! (08/29/13)

The Largest Annual Zombie Walk in the Nation comes to the Highlands on August 29th at 8:29 PM!

Greetings, my mortal friends, this is the Phantom of the Ville coming to you over the Emergency Broadcast System from my secret underground crypt. This is not a test. You have precious few hours to prepare for the largest onslaught of the undead that this city has ever experienced. Repeat, this is not a test.

Just over a week ago, reports began to reach my desk that a number of mysterious military drums had been mistakenly shipped to the Uneeda Medical Supply Warehouse in the Highlands just down the street from the Baxter Avenue Morgue near Eastern Cemetery. When I went down to investigate, Uneeda Warehouse owner, Burt Wilson, at first claimed the whole story was a hoax.

Then just a couple of days ago there was some kind of accident reported in the basement of the warehouse. Paramedics were called to the aid of two local residents, Lyndi Lou and John King, who claimed to have been exposed to some sort of gas leak or toxic chemical spill on the property. The statements of the paramedics have been sealed by the Louisville Police Department, but rumors persist they were heard muttering, “No blood pressure, no pulse,” as they were removed from the scene by law enforcement.

Denying the incident, Wilson, who has now admitted possession of the unidentified chemical drums, claims that Lou and King were never subjected to any hazardous materials. “There was no leak,” says Wilson. “These things were made by the Army Corp of Engineers!”

Last evening, I caught up with Lyndi Lou who is still very ill, but is home recuperating as she and John King prepare to celebrate their shared birthdays on Thursday, August 29th.

“It’s still kind of amazing to me that this whole thing started as a last minute birthday party idea,” says Lou about the first Louisville Zombie Attack which happened nine years ago. “We spread the word around the neighborhood and about 80 zombies showed up the first year.”

“Last year the Louisville Police helicopter counted approximately 15,000 zombies in the streets,” she continues. “This year we expect between 15,000 and 17,000 zombies.”

The Louisville Zombie Attack, now the largest annual zombie walk in the United States, remains a free public event, but the continued growth of the army of undead has added considerable cost to properly execute. “We’ve had to add to the number of paid police officers and security team members and upgrade the insurance in compliance with city regulations for an event of this size,” says Lou. “We also have a clean-up staff to make sure the streets are free of trash and fake blood by 9AM the next morning.”

“It now costs around $10,000 to stage this event,” admits Lou. “But we are taking donations that will help us keep this a free public event every year.” Donations can made at www.louisvillezombieattack.org.

Lou has some words of wisdom on how to rise from the dead on a budget. “You don’t have to spend a lot of money to look dead,” she says. “You can get some cheap torn up clothes from the Brycc House (also known as The Brick House), and you can make fake blood out of karo syrup and food coloring. Plain white stick candles make good bones.”

Both Caufield’s Novelty at 1006 W. Main St. (502-583-0636) and Horner Novelty on 310 Spring St. in Jeffersonville, In (812-283-5050) are prepared for the attack and are fully stocked with make-up, masks, costumes, props and anything else you might need handle the zombie apocalypse.

“We’ll also have people doing free zombie make-up at the Back Door (1250 Bardstown Rd, on the side of the Mid-City Mall) starting at 6PM,” suggests Lou.

The parking lot of the Mid-City Mall on Bardstown Rd is the staging area for the 2013 Louisville Zombie Attack, and the march of the walkers starts precisely at 8:29 PM. The undead procession will march north down Bardstown Road, turning left on Grindstead Drive and shuffling all the way to Barret Avenue where a street party will be held on the 1000 block of Barret Ave. There you’ll be treated to a free concert by Squeezebot and the Vice Tricks as well as a costume contest.

The Monkey Wrench bar will be hosting concerts with the Revenants, the All Dead, Pelts, DJ Count Gronzy and DJ Rev. Spook from 9PM until 2AM. The Barret Bar & Grill will be hosting zombie bike polo with the Louisville Hardcourt Bike Polo Club on the Barret Bar hardcourt from 9PM until 2AM.

If you plan on coming from outside of Louisville, or even if you’re driving in from outside of the Highlands, be sure to arrive plenty early, as road closures and after work 5 o’clock traffic will certainly cause delays. The Louisville Zombie Attack official website at www.louisvillezombieattack.org has created a Google map with driving directions and the entire layout.

Ernie Kaltenbrunner, who works as a mortician at the Baxter Avenue Morgue, offered this piece of advice to anyone coming to the Highlands this Thursday evening, August 29th at 8:29 PM: “Watch your ass out there.”

If there’s still a civilization out there come Friday morning, then be sure to check back with the Louisville Halloween website for a look at an interesting pub downtown underneath a bridge that’s haunted by a giant troll and an interview with General Mills about the history of their monster cereals and an exciting promotion coming this Halloween!

The Phantom of The Ville

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